i only laughed once - (i olo'd): February 2009

Saudi Arabian Cleric: It's A Sin To Use Biofuels

By Robert Paul Reyes

"An Islamic scholar in Saudi Arabia said using ethanol or other alcohol-derived fuels in vehicles may be a sin for Muslims.

Sheik Mohamed al-Najimi of the Saudi Islamic Jurisprudence Academy told Saudi newspaper Shams that the prophet Mohammed banned alcohol for all uses -- including buying, selling, carrying and manufacturing, Al-Arabiya reported Friday.

Najimi said Muslims who use biofuel, which is made from fermented plants, in their cars are violating the ban since the substance 'is basically made up of alcohol.'" UPI.Com

The ignorance and stupidity of clerics never ceases to amaze me. If the Roman Catholic Church had managed to impede the progress of science our children would be taught that the world is flat and that the sun and the planets revolve around the Earth.

Thanks to Muslim clerics Islamic countries may not explore the use of biofuels, because they don't want to offend the sensibilities of a nomadic warlord who died centuries ago.

Pollution is a world-wide problem, and all the nations must lessen their dependence on fossil fuels. It would be an outrage against common sense and a sin against Mother Earth if Islamic countries continued to pollute at unacceptable levels because of spurious religious beliefs.

If an American televangelist declared that only liberals and devil-worshippers are in favor of biofuels, the minister would be ridiculed by the press. But in an Islamic country like Saudi Arabia if you speak out against the insanity of a cleric you will be imprisoned or executed.

Know your Customer !!!

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch in rural areas. But, I had a problem I didn't know how to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters...

First poster- A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted and fainting.

Second poster - man is drinking our Cola.

Third poster- Our man is now totally refreshed.

Then these posters were pasted all over the place

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied "I didn't realize that Arabs go from right to left"

Gatecrasher hired to secure Oscars!

London, Feb 23 : A professional gatecrasher, who sneaked into last year’s Oscars, has been hired to secure this year’s ceremony to fill in any security cracks.

Scott Weiss will keep fellow offenders from getting themselves to a shoulder-rubbing distance with the celebrities at the Kodak Theatre in Los Angeles.

The 48-year-old has also previously managed to break into the gates at the Emmys, Grammys, Golden Globes and Screen Actors Guild awards – and got himself snapped with the A-listers.

And now, event chiefs have hired the expert to take care of the security breaches.

"If you dress the part and put on an air that you belong there – and that you don't really have time to be stopped by anyone – people are generally very polite,” the Telegraph quoted Weiss as telling Los Angeles Times.

"People in security don't want to offend big shots. If you look like one, they won't bother you. That's the whole flaw in the system: the human touch," he added.

86 yr old gets $1,000 phone sex bill

Bellevue, Feb 21: The family of an 86-year-old woman who was billed for over USD1,000 in phone sex calls suspects identity theft. Arlene Hald recently received a credit card bill addressed to her husband, Sylvester, who died nearly 20 years ago. Hald said they never had a credit card, yet an account in his name was charged.

Hald's daughter, Peggy Rytych, believes her father was the victim of ID theft. She called the billing company, Preferred Platinum Plan, which agreed to remove the charges.

Rytych says they thought that was the end of it — until another bill arrived for over USD70. The California-based company agreed to remove the latest charges and never bill Hald again.

Drinking Coke for 4 decades!

London, Feb 21: In a bizarre revelation, a Croatian man has admitted that he has drunk nothing but Coca-Cola for the last four decades, just because he promised his mom that he would not touch alcohol.

Ro Ajtman, 71, has revealed that his mother made him swear not to drink alcoholic beverages 40 years ago, and since then he has been surviving on Coke.

"My mum didn't like me drinking when I was a young man as she was very religious," the Telegraph quoted him as telling the Croatian tabloid 24 Sata.

He added: "She made me promise never to drink again and Coca-Cola was the only thing that tasted as good as wine so I started drinking that. Now I have a glass in the morning, before and after lunch, with my dinner and then before I go to bed. I never drink anything else."

Residing in the village of Karanac, near the city of Osijek, in eastern Croatia, the pensioner said that he was still not thinking about dumping his coke-drinking habit.

He said: "My mother isn't here to tell me not to drink any more but I'm not even tempted to quit coke for alcohol. Coke is my drug now, and I'll drink it till I die."

Also, he added that despite of his daily dose of Coke, he has not experienced any major health problems.

Obama is US’ No. 1 hero, not Jesus

Chicago, Feb 21 : US President Barack Obama has beaten Jesus Christ to be American’s number one hero, according to a new Harris poll.

The top 10 list based on the poll showed Obama at number one position, Christ at number two, and Martin Luther King at number three.

Wrapping up the top five Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush.

They were followed by Abraham Lincoln, John McCain, John F. Kennedy, Chesley Sullenberger, and Mother Teresa in the same order.

The online survey involved 2,634 US adults, reports the Chicago Sun-Times.

The news report said that those surveyed were asked whom they admired enough to call their heroes, but were not shown any list of people to choose from.

In a Harris Poll conducted in 2001, Jesus Christ was the hero mentioned most often, followed by Martin Luther King, Colin Powell, John F. Kennedy and Mother Teresa.

Bush was rated 19th at the time, but the latest list shows him to be on number five.

John McCain, who was not in the top 20 in 2001, is presently number seven.

Mother Teresa, who was number 5 in 2001, is now number 10.

American’s top 10 heroes are:

1. Barack Obama
2. Jesus Christ
3. Martin Luther King
4. Ronald Reagan
5. George W. Bush
6. Abraham Lincoln
7. John McCain
8. John F. Kennedy
9. Chesley Sullenberger
10. Mother Teresa

The Only Thing that Every Man Wants

iPhone's Fart application creates a legal stink

Two companies are fighting for market share of flatulence software.

Indian boy weds dog

NEW DELHI - A GROUP of Indian tribals have married off a toddler to a female dog in eastern India in a bid to prevent his predicted death at the hands of a tiger, a report said on Wednesday.

The ceremony at a Hindu temple in Orissa state's Jajpur district was conducted with all the rituals observed at traditional weddings, including a dowry for the bride - the village bitch.

The dog sported two silver rings and a silver chain, the UNI news agency reported.

Parents of the groom, one-and-a-half year old Sangula, were advised to arrange the marriage when they noticed a tooth growing from their infant son's upper gum - considered a bad omen.

Community elders believed the growth would lead to the boy being killed in a tiger attack - a fate preventable, according to tribal tradition, by marrying a dog.

Sanrumula Munda, Sangula's father, said the ceremony would not prevent him from marrying properly when he comes of age.

Superstition is still a potent force in tribal and remote communities of India.

Freakiest best man speech ever

Be patient and watch this all the way to the end. What a guy, eh? Isn't this what best friends are all about?

Getting married? Who will be YOUR "best man?"

What News Anchors Do During Commercial Breaks w/sound

4 Types of Person (a guide to stupidity)

Summary.

You're an idiot. Deal with it.

The longer version.

I've been pondering the chronic over-supply of stupidity, and I've come to a new conclusion.
Stupidity itself is not the problem. Abundant stupidity is inevitable. The problem is the people (like you, for instance) who don't even begin to suspect that they are stupid. People who insist they're God's gift to intellectual discourse. But in reality: as thick as whale blubber.
So here's a matrix to show four different types of people... the cross product of those who think they are smart (or dumb) and those who are actually smart (or dumb).

4 types of person		thinks he is...
4 types of person		dumb	smart
is actually	dumb	forrest gump	homer simpson
is actually	smart	detective columbo	mr spock

This matrix has four types of people. Stealing an idea from my usability-buddies i've assigned a 'persona' to each quadrant:

Forrest Gump: stupid, but he knows it.
Homer Simpson: is actually dumb, but seems to think he's the cleverest guy alive.
Columbo: is actually smart, but comes across as quite a dope.
Mr Spock: smart, and knows exactly how smart he is.

Here's a pictorial version.

4 types of person		thinks he is...
4 types of person		dumb	smart
is actually	dumb
is actually	smart

And here's my guess at how common (or rare) each of the four categories are.
(I started with the rule that only 20% of people could be called smart, and then assigned a breakdown after that.)

4 types of person		thinks he is...
4 types of person		dumb	smart
is actually	dumb	2%	78%
is actually	smart	5%	15%

The chief lesson: lots of Homers, very little of everything else. The stupidity vortex is spreading. More on that later.
The goal, interestingly enough, is not to end up in the lower right (Spock) but in the lower left (Columbo).
Why would a smart person (a Spock) decide to put themselves in the third quadrant and become a Columbo? Because they're smart enough to realise that they're really stupid. Stupid for two reasons.

Two things make you stupid

There's two reasons that a smart person should realise they are still, essentially, stupid.
The obvious thing is that no matter how much you know, your knowledge is an insignificant dot compared with the sum total of what can be known. (It's even very small compared with the sum total that other humans currently know.)
But here's the real kicker: every idiot in the world knows at least one or two things you don't know.
I've gone all out and used Powerpoint to create a Venn diagram (at right) to help illustrates this point.
Here we're comparing a genius with an idiot -- and the size of the circles indicates the relative size of their 'knowledge' or wisdom or intellect or some other hard to measure, but easy-to-chat-about concept.
Clearly the genius has greater brain points -- and indeed knows almost everything the idiot knows. But look out genius, because there's still a little sliver of things the idiot knows that you don't know. And this is a humbling thought.
The idiot won't hesitate to grab onto those one or two tiny points and rub your nose in them mercilessly. Trust me on this: I've done it to smart people many times over.
So don't get too cocky there Spock. Chill out, Yoda. Pull your head in, Gandalf.

Stopped Clocks

To remain humble even in the face of blatant stupidity, never forget:

"Even a stopped clock is right twice a day."

Tattoo that on the back of your eyelids.

The real lesson

But the real lesson is this: if you think you're Spock, you're much more likely to actually be Homer Simpson.
Please, dear idiot reader, err on the side of safety and assume that, like me, you are a mental ass hat with much to learn. We'll all be better off.

Final word: How To Get Smart

One final word though, on a more positive note... it might be possible to actually become smart. Imagine that?
I haven't tried this personally, but according to 'Wetware refactorings' which quotes 'Pragmatic Thinking and Learning: Refactor Your Wetware' by Andy Hunt:

...in a rich environment with things to learn, observe, and interact with, you will grow plenty of new neurons and new connections between them...
Your working environment needs to be rich in sensory opportunities, or else it will literally cause brain damage.

Smashing Boobs!

A woman can smash watermelon to pieces - using her giant breasts!

Using her 20lb mammaries, Busty - real name Susan Sykes - beats the oversized fruit to a pulp in one giant whack.

Her other frontline tricks include crushing beer cans and bricks with her assets as well as lifting bowling balls.

Despite a 26-year career in the adult industry, the 47-year-old has now become an Internet sensation, with millions logging on to see her breast-taking tricks.

The strip club owner, whose vital statistics are a staggering 95 JJ, said she is loving all the extra attention.

"I take this ability very seriously. It has been the cornerstone of my career and has provided me with a lot of good times and enjoyment," the Daily Star quoted Busty, as saying.

"The adult entertainment business became very competitive by 1990 with a flooded market place of large breasted performers all claiming to have the biggest chests.

"I always used comedy in my stage performances drawing on burlesque style comedy which no one else was doing in the business. "Most feature entertainers were porn stars or porn stars who became chest performers with changed names.

"I use to crush Styrofoam cups on stage in front of customers. One night a wise guy customer substituted an empty beer can so I said to myself "lets give it a try.

"Wham!! When I pulled my breast back to my amazement the can was flat. The audience loved it so I incorporated it into my act," she added.

Despite having her assets enhanced in the 80s, Busty has not had any other surgery on her eye-popping body parts.

When she was growing up in Turtlepoint in Pennsylvania, her breasts developed so quickly her dad pulled her out of a mixed school and sent her to an all-girls one.

However, they carried on growing and have even proved fatal for some onlookers.

"Once a customer died in front of me when I was on stage and took my top off, he just dropped stone dead," Busty said.

"I have also caused auto accidents when walking down the street.

"I have had large breasts all my life. I have gotten used to them and never wear a bra because the weight on my back would be too great.

"However, I receive millions of hits to my website every year and have thousands of fans who appreciate the good humour I bring into their lives," she added.

Man issued 50 traffic citations in 1 day

Boynton Beach, Feb 8 : Elvis has left the vehicle. A man was arrested on more than 50 traffic citations — all in one day. Police said Elvis Alonzo Barrett, 46, fled from police trying to stop him for a traffic violation Thursday morning. Police said he ran through red lights, crashed into another car and a fence. Police said they found crack cocaine and a crack pipe in his car.

Barrett faces several charges, including fleeing and eluding and reckless driving.

He was also issued more than 50 traffic citations on charges including speeding, running red lights, and not wearing a seat belt.

Police said Barrett has a lengthy criminal history and his driver license was suspended.

A phone number listed for him was not in service Thursday night.

Muslim doll to teach kids Quranic Arabic

A Muslim doll to help Asian immigrant children in UK to learn Quranic Arabic is set to go on sale next month in Asda, the supermarket chain which retails food, clothing, toys and general merchandise.

Developed by a former Goldman Sachs banker, the 18-inch high soft doll, packaged as "Talking Muslim Doll", speaks various Islamic phrases such as "As-Salamu''Alaikum," the traditional Islamic greeting, "my name is Aamina and I am a Muslim."

There’s also a boy doll called Yousuf, with a mosque which speaks essential Quranic words, phrases and surahs (prayers) and translate the Arabic sentences into English.

"I wanted to create something fun. When I was a child I went to the mosque every day, learnt my prayers and recited them. But there was nothing much fun about it,” the Telegraph quoted Farzana Rahman, the founder of Desi Doll Company, which makes the dolls, as saying.

"I wanted my children to have more fun," she added.

The Muslim dolls costs 24.99 pounds.

In a bid to dominate ethnic market, the supermarket plans to launch an extensive new range of goods in the next few weeks, including an Asian range under the George Label, including saris, Salwar Kameez suits, jewellery and shawls.

Obama is 'Pumski’

US First Lady Michelle Obama has a nickname for hubby Barack Obama – ‘Pumski’.

In an interview to a magazine, the 45-year-old revealed that she calls her husband Pumski.

Michelle had left people in frenzy with questions about her patriotism when she said, “For the first time in my adult lifetime, I am really proud of my country.”

But, it seems, Mrs Obama is unfazed by the stir caused by her quote, for she insists that she doesn’t regret anything said during the presidential campaign.

“I wouldn’t change anything,” a newspaper quoted her as saying.

“I think the substance of everything I’ve said has come from a point of honesty and truth.

“And that’s one thing I’ve always liked about Barack: he is always himself in this process,” she added.

Couple spend £2,000 on plane, night vision goggles and animal psychic to find lost dog

A couple have splashed out more than £2,000 on animal psychics, night vision goggles, radio bulletins and aeroplane for aerial surveillance - all to find their beloved dog.

Jon and Shelley Haggerwood recruited 25 volunteers and distributed 600 leaflets after Jacob their bracco Italian hound disappeared.

The distraught couple lost £3,000 in wages after taking two weeks unpaid leave from work to scour a 100sq km swathe of the countryside on foot.

Jon and Shelley Haggerwood: The couple are desperate to find their dog Jacob who vanished two weeks ago

They even made a string of appeals for the animal's safe return on Radio One and Jason Donovan's Herts FM show.

But despite their tireless efforts, the rare dog - worth £1,200 - is still missing after it vanished chasing a herd of deer near their home in Saffron Walden, Essex.

Jon said they have been 'beside themselves' since Jacob disappeared on January 21.

They fear the recent snowfall has made it impossible for Jacob to smell his way home, and worry he could have been injured in the icy weather.

Jon said: 'He just disappeared off the face of the earth. I think he was so excited by all the deer he just lost his way.

Jacob went missing after he ran off chasing deer and has not been seen since

'My worst fear is that he is lying injured somewhere and we cannot get to him.
'We have tried so many things - it's just heartbreaking not to have him back yet.

'We don't know what to do and can's sleep we are so worried. It's been unbearable.'

The childless couple say they have left 'no stone unturned' searching for the missing mutt.

They took two weeks off work to scour the hedgerows and nearby fields, and even spent £200 on a pair of night vision goggles so they could continue the hunt after dark.

But their search reached new heights after a kind-hearted pilot from nearby Audley End Airfield in Essex offered to take them up in his plane for a better view of the area.

Jon said the flight was also unsuccessful, adding: 'You can cover a huge area really quickly in a plane. We were flying at 400 metres and looked so hard but couldn't see him at all.

The pair have even taken to the skies in a plane to scour the area looking for their missing pet

'People have been so kind trying to help but it's like hitting a brick wall every time.'

The Haggerwoods say there has been two sightings since he disappeared, but searches at the scene proved fruitless.

As a last resort the couple enlisted the help of animal psychics to make contact with missing Jacob.
Jon said the feedback they have received suggests he is safe and well - but still hopelessly lost.
He said: 'We have had some pretty accurate feedback that corresponds with the surrounding countryside.

'One animal communicator said she had spoken with Jacob, who said he was 'Okay and trying to make his way home.'

'He said he had orchestrated this himself and had just wanted to go on an adventure. He is still alive and healthy and wants to get back eventually.'

The childless twosome say the money they have spent is worth every penny to find their beloved Jacob

Jon, a freelance gardener, reckons he has lost at least £1,500 in wages since giving up work to look for Jacob.
Shelley, who works in advertising, is understood to have also lost a similar amount.
In addition they have spent around £200 in petrol distributing leaflets, £200 on nightvision goggles, £60 for the psychic and £50 on printing leaflets.
The couple, both 40, who also have three other braccos - Solomon, one, Tiva, six, and one-and-a-half-year-old Clouseau - says the expense it worth every penny for Jacob's safe return.
But Jon admitted they may have to stop their search within the next few days if Jacob still isn't found.
He said: 'We don't have any children - the dogs are our children.
'I would spend any amount of money but we can't keep spending all our time searching for Jacob - we still have to live.
'If we cannot find him this weekend we may have to give up searching and just hope members of the public will step forward and help out.'

Little Oddities of Life

In case you’re wondering. The “H. C. OF L.” referred to in the blurb under the pictures of the goats stands for High Cost of Living.

Apparently this was a common enough term that people could just use the abbreviation. Perhaps it’s time to bring it back.

Creepy Science Experiment

Creepy-deepy

Student arrested for throwing snowball

Student at East Carolina was put into handcuffs for throwing a snowball at a cop during a snowball fight including over 200 people. Why do these fascists not have a sense of humor.

Who is a Project Manager?

Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with a delivered baby.

Tester is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby.

HR Manager is a person who thinks that...

a Donkey can deliver a Human Baby - if given 9 Months!!!

Working mums damage kids

A new survey suggests that kids are being “damaged” with more and more mothers going to work.

It has been said that the growing economic independence of women from their male partners is contributing to family break-ups.

As per the report from The Church of England-affiliated Children’s Society and the Archbishop of Canterbury Dr Rowan Williams’, more mums with babies just under a year old are working, and carers are looking after their kids.

About seventy per cent of the mothers of 9-12 month-old babies do some paid work compared to a quarter 25 years ago, and family break-ups are up, with a third of 16-year-olds now living apart from their biological dad, reports the Sun.

The survey also showed that around 50 percent more kids of separated parents had problems than those from a “nuclear” family, and looking at the growing number of broken homes, the study says working mums are contributing to it.

“Women’s new economic independence contributes to this rise,” the study noted.

It calls for parenting classes, psychological support when couples hit the rocks, and more help with affected kids.

But work advisory service Mums in Control have a different view to the whole thing.

“It’s nonsense to suggest all mothers should stay home,” it said.

“Many work because they have to financially. And far from damaging their families, their salary is what allows them to stay together. This is even more true in a recession,” it added.

Oz man had pigeons in trousers!

Melbourne, Feb 3: An Australian man was caught with two live pigeons stuffed in his trousers as he got off a flight from the Middle East, authorities said Tuesday.

Customs officers body-searched the 23-year-old after he was allegedly found with two bird eggs in a vitamin container in his pocket during baggage checks at Melbourne Airport on Sunday.

"The man was taken to a private interview room and Customs and border protection officers found he was wearing tights with a live pigeon concealed in each leg," Customs said.

The man, who had come off a ten-hour flight from Dubai, was also allegedly carrying plant seeds in a money belt and eggplant samples in his bag.

"Wildlife smuggling is not only cruel to the animals involved, it poses a severe risk to the Australian environment and the health of the Australian community," said Customs wildlife spokesman Richard Janeczko.

The offences carry a maximum penalty of 10 years in jail and a 110,000 dollar fine (70,000 US dollars).